Happy New Month.
I hope April was amazing for you. It has been a while but I am finally writing again. Honestly, I felt I didn’t have the right words to express what was going on at the time. I haven’t been in touch with my feelings and it reached a point where I could tell something is wrong. I was constantly looking for a distraction or an excuse to deal with my feelings, better yet, bury them.
This lead to me stealing my own joy. It has taken me a while to realize that I have been doing it unconsciously. My happy moments are characterized by a smile and then I deflect to the next topic. I never bask in that moment of glory. When my friend called me out on it I had to sit down and think about it.
The main reason I do this is because of the stories I tell myself. Of course, there are moments when I hype myself for a while then there are times I can come up with a list of reasons why there is a problem. The latter has been happening a lot lately. I have been questioning every single step and decision I make and when the outcome is positive it’s a sigh of relief and I am back to my melancholic self. The feeling of not being good enough has also taken its toll on me. so many people have told me ‘Niko tu sawa’, but if I didn’t even believe in myself how could I believe them. Generally, I have been neglecting certain aspects of my emotional wellbeing and I wouldn’t mind getting a hug or two. (If you know me you know I am not a hugger)
I need to rewrite the stories I tell myself and actually believe what I am saying. I will start journaling and try to acknowledge how I feel from time to time.